Hospice: The Lesson - Chapter 8: Farewells
By Joan Morris
TIMES STAFF WRITER
Published Sunday, May 27, 2001, in the Contra Costa Times Newspapers.
Orginal Link Addresses:
http://www.contracostatimes.com/health/hospice/
http://www.contracostatimes.com/health/hospice/stories/dayeight_20010527.htm
SFBAPPA.ORG Award of Excellence:
Bob Larson, Contra Costa Newspapers, "The Lesson" - Corresponding Photos.
the lesson
CHAPTER VIII: Farewells
'I had a good life, and that was enough’By Joan Morris
TIMES STAFF WRITER
One week after Diane Sheffield's death, her body is cremated, and according to her wishes, her ashes are placed at Queen of Heaven Cemetery in Lafayette. Her niche is in the center of a low wall of niches and faces a small garden of ferns, roses, azaleas and lilies.
There is no bench in front of the wall, and one can almost sense Diane's approval. She didn't want mourners tarrying over her grave.
The same evening her ashes are inurned, Diane's family -- husband Bob; sons Robert and Daniel; Robert's wife, Cristie; and Diane's younger sister and brother, Joan and John Danilovich -- gather at St. John Vianney Catholic Church in Walnut Creek for Diane's vigil.
The next afternoon, more than 200 friends join the family for Diane's funeral Mass.
In attendance are fellow teachers and former students, neighbors, parents of students, and her church family. Even Diane's hospice nurse and chaplain are there.
Everything is exactly as Diane had planned it, from the spring bouquets on the altar to the scripture read by two priests who, combined, have known Diane most of her life. The two guest books she had requested, so that no one would have to stand in line, greet mourners at both doors. Between them is an easel with pictures of Diane and the people who mattered most to her.
John, who flew in from his home in London, chokes back tears as he describes his big sister, 10 years his senior.
"She was always an achiever," John says. "If she wasn't No. 1, then she was No. 11/2."
He talks about the charities to which she donated. They weren't large contributions, just what she could afford. But they were many and they were varied. She supported missions in Africa and orphanages in India, and everything in between.
John thinks Diane would be pleased to see so many of her friends at the Mass. In fact, he says, she would have expected them to be there.
Ruby Bernstein, a fellow teacher, speaks of their experiences. Ruby met Diane when they were both young teachers at Ygnacio Valley High School in Concord. They taught world history and, for some reason that is lost to time, concocted the idea of having an "International Banquet" for the classes. They spent one semester teaching students how to write party invitations and thank you notes, and how to serve from the left.
Ruby was with Diane through her first battle with breast cancer. Diane was there for Ruby when, just three months after Diane's diagnosis, the doctor had patted Ruby on the shoulder and told her that her biopsy was positive. Ruby had smiled, relieved, and it was Diane who had to tell her, "No Ruby. That means you have cancer."
Diane's cousin, Duffy Danilovich, remembers the younger Diane, who wore her dark hair in pigtails and dressed in short overalls. Duffy had taught Diane to shoot arrows from a bow, and when Diane accidentally shot Duffy in the arm, they had taken a blood oath never to tell their parents.
And he remembers her commitment to the children, her own and those whom she taught. She influenced a generation and planted the seeds of responsibility, Duffy says. Her garden will bloom forever.
Diane dedicated her life and her death to teaching. She taught her students not to fear life, and she taught others not to fear death.
"I've always been very calm about death," Diane said a few weeks before she died. "It's never been in my frame of mind that death was an ending point. I'm ready to die. I don't want to, but I'm ready. I'm not afraid.
"Friends ask me how I can stand it, how I can stand not doing all the things I wanted to. Well, if I lived to be 100, there'd still be things I'd want to do and wasn't able to. I don't go by that. I'm grateful for what I've had. I got to see not one but two grandchildren being born. I've seen a lot of the world.
"When I'm gone, tell them that I had a good life. I had a good life, and that was enough."
~~~ End of Article ~~~
RESPONSES Have a comment about this series or hospice programs? Write to Joan Morris, c/o The Times, P.O. Box 8099, Walnut Creek, CA 94596-8099, or e-mail jmorris@cctimes.com. To speak to Joan, call 925-977-8479. Letters, e-mails and phone calls may be used in follow-up stories.
___
Cindy Siljestrom, executive director at Hospice and Palliative Care of Contra Costa, had prepared her staff for what she hoped would be an avalanche of calls once the Times series on hospice was published. The calls came from people seeking hospice care and from people asking questions. But what Siljestrom had not anticipated was the effect the series would have on patients already enrolled in hospice. Quite a few patients hadn't been able to talk to their families about their death, Siljestrom says. But after reading the series, she says, many used Diane Sheffield's "lesson" to start that dreaded conversation.
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